[ it's a hard admission to make, but after the results of his actions this weekend had led to the deaths of two people - killers, certainly, but still - there was a desire to somehow make up for it. to lighten the burdens others were carrying.
instead it had fallen to the worst possible candidate, and he'd been stuck unable to do anything. ]
I don't want it to have been you either. You have a gentle heart.
[He thinks about what he said to Anders, about how Laurence's heart will forever be changed after what he was forced to do. He doesn't want that for Chrono either. He settles his face against the other boy's shoulder.]
[ the comment stills him. was his heart gentle? after everything he'd witnessed and dealt with and failed, was he still gentle? uncertainty flickers, raw and painful.
he didn't want to think about it. whether he would have been able to deliver the finishing blow to akihiko himself. it didn't matter now, but-- it's frightening, even with how furious he was, to think that he would have been able to do it. ]
It shouldn't be anyone. There's no reason to force one of us to do it, in a place with as many possibilities as this. It's just messing with us.
[Kaworu is quite certain that Chrono has a gentle heart. After all, he's holding Kaworu so tenderly right now. How can that be anything but gentle. He's never felt so genuinely safe and comforted in his life. His response is murmured into Chrono's shoulder. ]
You're right. They deceive us or force our hands. We are their pawns.
I'm so fucking tired of this. [ his voice shakes. ] Being just a piece in some game. Whatever god is supposed to be overseeing us, they're either failing or doing this on purpose.
[ with a sigh that's more defeated than anything, he slowly extricates himself from this embrace, sure to still maintain a point of contact with a hand on kaworu's wrist to show that he's not backing away.
tears prick at his eyes. it is, unfortunately, shounen speech time - the only way he can process what he wants to say. ]
What you've seen, and felt, and learned this weekend. Please don't let it change you. Be who you are when you're with the people you care about, on good days. That's who you want to be.
[There's a fleeting feeling of sadness when Chrono pulls away even if he isn't backing away. No one has really held him like that before and he didn't know how healing it could be. Still, he wiggles his wrist from Chrono's grip and shifts it up its their hands are intertwined. Like he wants to be there, instead of being held captive by the wrist.]
I don't know who I am anymore. Or what I am. More human than angel. Not angel enough. I think what I am on both good days and bad, they might both just be me.
[ it's a little surprising, kaworu finding his hand and linking their fingers. an odd sensation, the warmth of acceptance, through the extremes of the other standing emotions of the day. it makes him smile, relieved, as he shifts the grip slightly to be more comfortable. ]
Then, that's okay. I don't think anyone really knows exactly who they are. Who they want to be, though... that's a path to follow. A world to lead yourself to.
[ he closes his eyes, and laughs a little. ]
And I think you should ask everyone you like even a little bit to give you a hug.
[They're thick as thieves now. Because there's so much fondness there. He's never had an adult look after him like Anders. Someone he trusted so easily.]
I'm glad I got one from you. It will help me find my path.
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[ it's a hard admission to make, but after the results of his actions this weekend had led to the deaths of two people - killers, certainly, but still - there was a desire to somehow make up for it. to lighten the burdens others were carrying.
instead it had fallen to the worst possible candidate, and he'd been stuck unable to do anything. ]
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[He thinks about what he said to Anders, about how Laurence's heart will forever be changed after what he was forced to do. He doesn't want that for Chrono either. He settles his face against the other boy's shoulder.]
But I understand why you wanted that.
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he didn't want to think about it. whether he would have been able to deliver the finishing blow to akihiko himself. it didn't matter now, but-- it's frightening, even with how furious he was, to think that he would have been able to do it. ]
It shouldn't be anyone. There's no reason to force one of us to do it, in a place with as many possibilities as this. It's just messing with us.
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You're right. They deceive us or force our hands. We are their pawns.
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[ with a sigh that's more defeated than anything, he slowly extricates himself from this embrace, sure to still maintain a point of contact with a hand on kaworu's wrist to show that he's not backing away.
tears prick at his eyes. it is, unfortunately, shounen speech time - the only way he can process what he wants to say. ]
What you've seen, and felt, and learned this weekend. Please don't let it change you. Be who you are when you're with the people you care about, on good days. That's who you want to be.
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I don't know who I am anymore. Or what I am. More human than angel. Not angel enough. I think what I am on both good days and bad, they might both just be me.
[He shrugs a little.]
I do know what it's like to be a pawn at least.
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Then, that's okay. I don't think anyone really knows exactly who they are. Who they want to be, though... that's a path to follow. A world to lead yourself to.
[ he closes his eyes, and laughs a little. ]
And I think you should ask everyone you like even a little bit to give you a hug.
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[They're thick as thieves now. Because there's so much fondness there. He's never had an adult look after him like Anders. Someone he trusted so easily.]
I'm glad I got one from you. It will help me find my path.
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[ he laughs, genuine. it's sweet, to see anders and kaworu's bond grow. he'd barely spoken to the man himself, but maybe he needed to thank him.
the comment is surprising, pleasantly, a pang of gratitude and relief. ]
I'm not the best guide, but everyone needs a startin' point. I wish this one was kinder for you.