[ shit. water. he'll pull a bottle and a cloth from the bundle of supplies he's been carrying around, and set to making some sort of cool compress. why is everyone so sick...? ]
The fact that you don't want to hurt me is enough proof.
[Just using every bit of his strength to move as far away from the other boy as he possibly can. Which is to the other end of the bed because he has no strength right now.]
Because I wish you felt the same and that's what feeds it.
[That want... that need to be loved, to be special in someone's eyes. He just feels shame. Shame at being unlikeable, shame at admitting his pointless feelings, shame at realizing how pointless his feelings for Shinji were too, shame at being a creature that hurt his friends.]
[ these wounds, physical and emotional, caused by something so tempestuous and confusing. he hadn't meant to feed it, hadn't wanted to, never would have if he'd fully comprehended. to him, that feeling ran deep and concurrent, the kind of love and care he felt so strongly for those he bonded with.
the kind of bonds that were exploitable in the past, no matter their nature. the kind that made them all hurt now, but drew each of them closer together after every tragedy. sure, he'd found something -- more, with someone else, but that reduced nothing of how he cared for kaworu. ]
Even-- even if it's not exactly the same, I don't feel less for you.
[ he sighs, taking a chair and burying his face in his hands for a moment. he's not good at words if he thinks about them too hard, so he lets instinct carry them along. ]
When you told me about your past, that loneliness... it's familiar, you know? I can't understand the things you went through, the people who hurt you. But that feeling I knew. It makes everything feel outer, false, until something changes. Here, it's been such a mess of highs and lows that it's impossible to say what started it-- but you felt it, right? You changed.
I realised back when it changed for me, how valuable it is to just... let people in, let them care for you, care for them back. It's the first step, and it's hard to accept it, when you feel like everything's bearing down on you. When all your history tells you is that you'll be left behind, or cause another problem. It's not exactly the same. But that's the kind of person I want to be, for you. The fact that others can take on parts of it doesn't make each bond any less special.
[ a shaky exhale. ]
I don't know if it's enough, but... it helped me, before anything else.
[Kaworu is silent. He doesn't cry. He's tired of it and wonders if being such a child is what caused all of this in the first place. He keeps his eye fixated firmly on the ground. He tries not to think about an endless shore.]
It's okay Chrono. You don't have to comfort me.
[It's not Chrono's fault that Kaworu is such a twisted thing and made of pieces that were never met to be put together. It has left him to exist on peripheries, unable to cross into either world, and forever hungering for something to make him whole, to not be left behind. There's a desire that gnaws at him, that is not happy with all that he's been given here, like dark and hungry void in his heart wanting things he knows won't be given. That's why the demon took hold of him with such ease.
Now, all he can do, as Chrono said, is try to find happiness in friends and company and not let the void take hold. Especially not now, while the demon lingers]
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[ shit. water. he'll pull a bottle and a cloth from the bundle of supplies he's been carrying around, and set to making some sort of cool compress. why is everyone so sick...? ]
The fact that you don't want to hurt me is enough proof.
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[Just using every bit of his strength to move as far away from the other boy as he possibly can. Which is to the other end of the bed because he has no strength right now.]
I like you-! And that means I can't control it.
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he pauses, and guilt floods his thoughts for a moment. to say he didn't understand would be wrong, but... his expression settles, softer. ]
...why would that hurt me, Kaworu?
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[That want... that need to be loved, to be special in someone's eyes. He just feels shame. Shame at being unlikeable, shame at admitting his pointless feelings, shame at realizing how pointless his feelings for Shinji were too, shame at being a creature that hurt his friends.]
no subject
[ these wounds, physical and emotional, caused by something so tempestuous and confusing. he hadn't meant to feed it, hadn't wanted to, never would have if he'd fully comprehended. to him, that feeling ran deep and concurrent, the kind of love and care he felt so strongly for those he bonded with.
the kind of bonds that were exploitable in the past, no matter their nature. the kind that made them all hurt now, but drew each of them closer together after every tragedy. sure, he'd found something -- more, with someone else, but that reduced nothing of how he cared for kaworu. ]
Even-- even if it's not exactly the same, I don't feel less for you.
[ he sighs, taking a chair and burying his face in his hands for a moment. he's not good at words if he thinks about them too hard, so he lets instinct carry them along. ]
When you told me about your past, that loneliness... it's familiar, you know? I can't understand the things you went through, the people who hurt you. But that feeling I knew. It makes everything feel outer, false, until something changes. Here, it's been such a mess of highs and lows that it's impossible to say what started it-- but you felt it, right? You changed.
I realised back when it changed for me, how valuable it is to just... let people in, let them care for you, care for them back. It's the first step, and it's hard to accept it, when you feel like everything's bearing down on you. When all your history tells you is that you'll be left behind, or cause another problem. It's not exactly the same. But that's the kind of person I want to be, for you. The fact that others can take on parts of it doesn't make each bond any less special.
[ a shaky exhale. ]
I don't know if it's enough, but... it helped me, before anything else.
no subject
It's okay Chrono. You don't have to comfort me.
[It's not Chrono's fault that Kaworu is such a twisted thing and made of pieces that were never met to be put together. It has left him to exist on peripheries, unable to cross into either world, and forever hungering for something to make him whole, to not be left behind. There's a desire that gnaws at him, that is not happy with all that he's been given here, like dark and hungry void in his heart wanting things he knows won't be given. That's why the demon took hold of him with such ease.
Now, all he can do, as Chrono said, is try to find happiness in friends and company and not let the void take hold. Especially not now, while the demon lingers]
I'll be alright.